The way I portray my life you would think it's amazing mainly because of what I choose to share. The happy times are the ones I share on Facebook, or talk about on first dates, at work and over small talk with acquaintances. And overall my life is amazing. I feel blessed beyond belief. But if I am honest with myself, I'm only happy about 48% of the time, though that statistic fluctuates. Underlying my outgoing and energetic exterior is a layer of emptiness, a yearning for companionship, juxtapositioned with a fear of becoming engulfed in a relationship.
I take a deep breath and remind myself life isn't made of extremes. It's made of parts.
There is a concept in psychology that speaks to the different "parts" that exist within us. There is a
part of me that wants a relationship again, another part of me that is terrified of it because of the poor choices I've made in the past. There is a part of me that it terrified of losing myself in someone again, an ambivalent part, an exhausted part, and many more parts I'm likely not even consciously aware of. Instinctively I want to rid myself of these conflicting parts because dissonance doesn't feel good. I'm learning that all parts are valid, allowed, and I need to accept them to make me whole because shaming myself for having these conflicting feelings only hinders my ability face them. I also realize that the part that is at the forefront at any given moment will dictate my choices and I need to be aware of the part I give the most power to.
And then there's a part of me that I dislike the most, but it's a real part of me that I can't deny - There's a very tiny part of me that still misses the Jay I fell in love with even though that person is long gone. There is a part of me that wonders where he is living, what he is doing, if he still thinks about me and wonders the same. There is a part of me that feels sorry for him because the shadows of his life I see from what others share are heartbreaking, though self inflected by his own poor choices. For once in my life I have boundaries and won't enable him, which was one of those unintended gifts that came out of the chaos I lived in. I believe this part of him is at his forefront of parts right now and has been for many years which is why I no longer recognize someone I once loved. When I apply the concept of parts it helps me understand why I fell in love with him at one time, even though it was never right. As time passed I was able to recognize the kinder parts of him - With the anger at the forefront of my mind for so long I couldn't integrate these parts. But, buried somewhere inside of him, whether that part exists today or not, their was a part that would take care of me when I was sick, that would go to Starbucks twice if they made my drink wrong, that allowed me to foster multiple pets at a time often creating havoc in our house, cooked, went food shopping, left romantic cards and post-its around the house, and one of my best memories of him insisting we go shopping for new clothes as I cried in a fetal position about how much weight I thought I gained after coming back home from months away in Eating Disorder Treatment. However, I also now realize that in healthy relationships these are things partners do for each other and superficial efforts alone do not make a relationship, and that I could spend pages on the dismissive examples and how cruel he was to me at times. When I doubted my gut instinct that told me things weren't right, his good parts came to the forefront of my mind which caused me to second guess the part of me that felt the underlying disrespect, a part that should have taken up more space than I allowed it to. As for today, the part of me that hoped I could change him, would want to change him, or have any interest in ever seeing him again is actually gone, something I didn't believe happened to parts.
99% of the time I "get this." But every once in a while I look in the rear view mirror and feel frozen in time, broken, and wonder if my wounds will ever heal and if I will ever be able to let someone in again. I always thought I would have been, but it is more terrifying each time I begin to get close to someone and I end up sabotaging it. There are times when I feel confident and so happy, I laugh because I let my guard down and feel free to feel happy, and wear a smile so wide it literately frames my face, but other times out of no where I get overwhelmed with fear and can't imagine having the strength to do this all over again. I realize that part is important, it serves a purpose to protect the life I have built so intentionally for myself and keeps me from turning into a chameleon again. That's when I need to thank this part for looking out for me, but also assure it that
"I got this."
