LATE PUBLISH Originally written April 2016
I had always been opposed to the idea of the “Fairy Tale” Wedding. The extravagance of some of the weddings I've attended made me cringe - I couldn't help but to think of all of the other ways a small fortune could be spent. When it came to getting my own wedding, I worried the real meaning of marriage could get lost in the vanity of wanting that extravagant day we’re conditioned by society to buy into. Jay wanted the big wedding, so I acquiesced. I was different then - a people pleaser, a chameleon, someone who walked on egg shells and didn't realize she had a voice. While we did the traditional wedding, I personalized it to reflect values that were important to me - some would call it a soapbox of sorts. Instead of flowers, I decorated with corks (collecting 13,000 in the year leading up to the wedding), scoured thrift shops weekly for odd shaped vases, I handcrafted every decoration in a theme that consisted of shelter animals needing homes, and favors were certificates for a free animal adoption at our city shelter who partnered with me to make this day come true. This is a small sampling of the wedding - I could write a blog post about the wedding itself, and many years ago I did, but that's not the purpose of this story. This is the story of my divorce, but I share the wedding to demonstrate the passion I had inside of me that I poured into everything I cared about. As the wedding approached I began to feel a sense of hesitation about marrying Jay, but I felt an obligation to go through with this elaborate party that had taken on a life of its own; finding myself in that very situation I had vowed to avoid. So, we you can imagine, when it came to my divorce, with the zest for life and passion I reclaimed, I felt it important to honor this occasion, just as we celebrate the beginning of new chapters in our lives.
We were married just over three years when I left. I ignored every red flag from day one; I was naïve and eternally optimistic. I have a fierce drive and had achieved every goal I set for myself, and I was sure I could change those parts of him that didn’t sit right with me. In the beginning, he tried to change but over the years, those differences only became more profound. In addition to learning I’m not powerful enough to change people, I realized that by constantly trying to change him I was essentially telling him, that he’s not OK rather than acknowledging he’s not OK, for me. Looking back I can see that I was the only one who changed, compromising myself to maintain the relationship. But while you're in something, you can't see it clearly unless you really commit to taking those blinders off and although I saw glimpses of the reality, I felt frozen and stuck and convinced myself this life was "good enough." And that passion I had for life, it faded with every passing day as I lived in a life I was losing myself in.
I had no idea who my husband was. He knew every single fear I had, humiliating moment I experienced, every feeling of anxiety or joy I felt, every detail of an ordinary day. Being able to share your whole self, especially the dark parts, and still feel loved and accepted is the most intimate gift you can give and receive. When this wasn’t reciprocated, I was left feeling like the “sick,” one and eternally indebted to him for accepting me, truly believing no one else could. Jay was like a shell to me that was missing the hermit crab - I knew that hermit crab had to be camouflaged out there somewhere but I could never find him. On the surface there were times where we enjoyed each other’s company and he gave me “just enough,” to silence my doubts, but it didn’t make up for the pain of the underlying lack of respect; a term I can only now in retrospect find words to describe. I wish I could say I was brave enough to leave “just because” I wasn’t happy, but over the course of the marriage I lost the ability to trust my judgment.
Until I did again...
On my 35th birthday the universe gave me the most incredible gift that will forever give me chills. I was on a business trip - I didn’t travel often, and never alone, so I rarely had this opportunity to step away and look at my life with distance. Over the course of that week I watched this dormant part of me begin to emerge; it was my old spirit and spark; a girl with curiosity and wonder about life, who talked to strangers because she found people that interesting. My smile was bright, genuine and glowing. I didn’t have the underlying anxiety and depression that I now realize was created by an environment that invalidated my experience leaving me confused, dismissed and doubting my instincts. On the plane ride home I cried to a stranger next to me and journaled about feeling stuck and wanting to run away from my life but having no idea how.
Serendipitously, I came home and stumbled upon a truth that unraveled everything, and JUST like that, my wish came true. I don't share the details because it's not my story to tell- My experience is the story I tell. It hit me that all of these years that I allowed myself to be undermined, I was actually right - there was a disconnect. Once I realized that, I felt a sense of power and self-confidence restored, and for the first time in my life I trusted myself and knew I couldn't live like this anymore. I was done trying to be the one to work on things, done with therapy, and walked away knowing I tried with every ounce of my being to make it work. I acted on a quote hanging on my wall and became the “hero of my own story;” something I never thought I would have the courage to do.
I kept what I knew to myself while I planned the most strategic way to leave while protecting my marital rights because frankly I was terrified. I left two days later taking only my necessities and leaving a note and my house key on the table. I didn't want to take anything from our marital home, possessions meant nothing, I just wanted my life back. Two months and two days later, we were divorced.
Just as weddings are marked with that special dress, I searched for the perfect Divorce Dress. I ended up choosing a Leopard Print Miniskirt with specks of glitter in the fabric. That skirt was a symbol of change in and of itself. I wasn't the scared little girl who wanted to be invisible anymore.I had professional photographs taken of me holding a handmade, "Just Divorced," sign in front of the courthouse, a small Divorce party and Divorce Shower at work. I wanted to memorialize this day of freedom that signified the strength I now feel after standing through pain and fear without returning to an empty, yet "comfortable," life.
It’s not a linear path and I’ve learned that opposing emotions can all exist at once. There were moments of paralyzing sadness and I don’t know that I will ever be able to reconcile how someone who I once thought was my closest companion becomes a stranger. During those times I reread the tear smeared words in my journal that spoke my truth and remember the precious gift the universe gave me; a chance at a new “Happily Ever After.”
So this is why I celebrated my Divorce. I celebrate my ability to sit peacefully beside the unknown. I celebrate the chance to build an authentic life and share it with someone who genuinely wants to share their life with me and grow together. I celebrate the new path that lies ahead of me and the wisdom I acquired to make better choices along the way. I celebrate the hobbies, interests and friends I have made and the life I have built for myself and the happiness and confidence I feel again. These are the things that Fairy Tales are made of.
Work Shower
With the "Divorce Support Crew"
