Parts

The way I portray my life you would think it's amazing mainly because of what I choose to share. The happy times are the ones I share on Facebook, or talk about on first dates, at work and over small talk with acquaintances. And overall my life is amazing. I feel blessed beyond belief. But if I am honest with myself, I'm only happy about 48% of the time, though that statistic fluctuates. Underlying my outgoing and energetic exterior is a layer of emptiness, a yearning for companionship, juxtapositioned with a fear of becoming engulfed in a relationship.

I take a deep breath and remind myself life isn't made of extremes. It's made of parts.

There is a concept in psychology that speaks to the different "parts" that exist within us. There is a part of me that wants a relationship again, another part of me that is terrified of it because of the poor choices I've made in the past. There is a part of me that it terrified of losing myself in someone again, an ambivalent part, an exhausted part, and many more parts I'm likely not even consciously aware of. Instinctively I want to rid myself of these conflicting parts because dissonance doesn't feel good. I'm learning that all parts are valid, allowed, and I need to accept them to make me whole because shaming myself for having these conflicting feelings only hinders my ability face them. I also realize that the part that is at the forefront at any given moment will dictate my choices and I need to be aware of the part I give the most power to.

And then there's a part of me that I dislike the most, but it's a real part of me that I can't deny - There's a very tiny part of me that still misses the Jay I fell in love with even though that person is long gone. There is a part of me that wonders where he is living, what he is doing, if he still thinks about me and wonders the same. There is a part of me that feels sorry for him because the shadows of his life I see from what others share are heartbreaking, though self inflected by his own poor choices. For once in my life I have boundaries and won't enable him, which was one of those unintended gifts that came out of the chaos I lived in. I believe this part of him is at his forefront of parts right now and has been for many years which is why I no longer recognize someone I once loved. When I apply the concept of parts it helps me understand why I fell in love with him at one time, even though it was never right. As time passed I was able to recognize the kinder parts of him - With the anger at the forefront of my mind for so long I couldn't integrate these parts. But, buried somewhere inside of him, whether that part exists today or not, their was a part that would take care of me when I was sick, that would go to Starbucks twice if they made my drink wrong, that allowed me to foster multiple pets at a time often creating havoc in our house, cooked, went food shopping, left romantic cards and post-its around the house, and one of my best memories of him insisting we go shopping for new clothes as I cried in a fetal position about how much weight I thought I gained after coming back home from months away in Eating Disorder Treatment. However, I also now realize that in healthy relationships these are things partners do for each other and superficial efforts alone do not make a relationship, and that I could spend pages on the dismissive examples and how cruel he was to me at times. When I doubted my gut instinct that told me things weren't right, his good parts came to the forefront of my mind which caused me to second guess the part of me that felt the underlying disrespect, a part that should have taken up more space than I allowed it to. As for today, the part of me that hoped I could change him, would want to change him, or have any interest in ever seeing him again is actually gone, something I didn't believe happened to parts.

99% of the time I "get this." But every once in a while I look in the rear view mirror and feel frozen in time, broken, and wonder if my wounds will ever heal and if I will ever be able to let someone in again. I always thought I would have been, but it is more terrifying each time I begin to get close to someone and I end up sabotaging it. There are times when I feel confident and so happy, I laugh because I let my guard down and feel free to feel happy, and wear a smile so wide it literately frames my face, but other times out of no where I get overwhelmed with fear and can't imagine having the strength to do this all over again. I realize that part is important, it serves a purpose to protect the life I have built so intentionally for myself and keeps me from turning into a chameleon again. That's when I need to thank this part for looking out for me, but also assure it that "I got this."

No Guarantees In Love or Life

I was talking with a friend who just went through a break up about the concept of someone you were once so close and intimate with becoming a stranger. She causally said something that struck me as so profound, (paraphrasing): Its scary to know there is no guarantee that someone won't change. 

It's a terrifying thought really.

I am an emotional cutter sometimes, for lack of a better word. When I first left my husband I was staying in my parents cold basement in a bedroom without a TV. I would fall asleep to memories I would replay over and over again in my head. I realized it was harder to find the good memories in recent years and over time the memories faded as I struggled to hold on to them as they were all I had left as evidence of a person that no longer existed.

I didn't sleep much, or eat for that matter - I really learned the meaning of the expression,"sick to your stomach." I lost 20 pounds in 3 months, weight that I couldn't afford to lose. I was in complete shock about how much my life had changed in an instant. I look back and don't know how I functioned, but I did because I had no other choice. Even though it was for the best, what I knew about my world, my husband, my dreams were shattered. I would go through my "Jay" box and hang on every word of every card he ever wrote me. Studying them, I noticed the depth and frequency of them abruptly changed right after we got married. I wondered what happened to him, where was that person I met and fell in love with years earlier? But the more I thought about it I don't think he changed as much as I took my rose colored glasses off. I never wanted to see the truth. I defended him to the depths of the earth even when I knew in my heart what people who cared about me tried to get me to see was true. I can also say proudly, 6 months later I had a funeral for that box and it was destroyed. There was a tremendous freedom in letting go and accepting what is today, not what was.

I dated someone casually for a few weeks shortly after the Divorce. He was 10 years older than me, the most attractive man I have ever encountered with a perfect body- The stereotypical forever bachelor. We had a great few week together. Even though I knew we weren't meant to be together, he was what I needed at the time. He made me laugh again and see that there was so much more out there than Jay. I ended up liking him more than I thought I would, it was a false sense of comfort, yet provided me with the companionship I missed. And then one day, it just ended and I am not sure why. I would look back and ruminate on those fun times, the intimate times and wonder yet again, how someone I had shared those parts of myself with would eventually become a stranger.

And this is what terrifies me about dating and falling in love. How do I trust that this person won't change and break my heart all over again? As I tell all of my fears, "Yes, E, that may very well happen," but if I don't show up for life and take those risks, I'll never have the chance of finding what I'm looking for.

What I can say is that with each "fall" I become stronger and wiser for the wear. I have built a beautiful life for myself filled with friends and hobbies - and I don't feel the "need" to find someone's life to hop onto as I had in my younger years because I am content with my own. The falls today are softer, they don't break me but I'm not too proud to acknowledge that they still hurt. They have also been my greatest teachers and I have learned to be grateful for them. I catch red flags quicker, and find that my eyes are more open to seeing them and I don't have to look as hard. I listen to my gut. And maybe the better choices I start making the less chance I have that someone will change because I will see them more clearly from the start.

Just Divorced: A Fairy Tale

LATE PUBLISH Originally written April 2016

I had always been opposed to the idea of the “Fairy Tale” Wedding. The extravagance of some of the weddings I've attended made me cringe - I couldn't help but to think of all of the other ways a small fortune could be spent. When it came to getting my own wedding, I worried the real meaning of marriage could get lost in the vanity of wanting that extravagant day we’re conditioned by society to buy into. Jay wanted the big wedding, so I acquiesced. I was different then - a people pleaser, a chameleon, someone who walked on egg shells and didn't realize she had a voice. While we did the traditional wedding, I personalized it to reflect values that were important to me - some would call it a soapbox of sorts. Instead of flowers, I decorated with corks (collecting 13,000 in the year leading up to the wedding), scoured thrift shops weekly for odd shaped vases, I handcrafted every decoration in a theme that consisted of shelter animals needing homes, and favors were certificates for a free animal adoption at our city shelter who partnered with me to make this day come true.  This is a small sampling of the wedding - I could write a blog post about the wedding itself, and many years ago I did, but that's not the purpose of this story. This is the story of my divorce, but I share the wedding to demonstrate the passion I had inside of me that I poured into everything I cared about. As the wedding approached I began to feel a sense of hesitation about marrying Jay, but I felt an obligation to go through with this elaborate party that had taken on a life of its own; finding myself in that very situation I had vowed to avoid.  So, we you can imagine, when it came to my divorce, with the zest for life and passion I reclaimed, I felt it important to honor this occasion, just as we celebrate the beginning of new chapters in our lives.

We were married just over three years when I left. I ignored every red flag from day one; I was naïve and eternally optimistic. I have a fierce drive and had achieved every goal I set for myself, and I was sure I could change those parts of him that didn’t sit right with me. In the beginning, he tried to change but over the years, those differences only became more profound. In addition to learning I’m not powerful enough to change people, I realized that by constantly trying to change him I was essentially telling him, that he’s not OK rather than acknowledging he’s not OK, for me. Looking back I can see that I was the only one who changed, compromising myself to maintain the relationship. But while you're in something, you can't see it clearly unless you really commit to taking those blinders off and although I saw glimpses of the reality, I felt frozen and stuck and convinced myself this life was "good enough." And that passion I had for life, it faded with every passing day as I lived in a life I was losing myself in.

I had no idea who my husband was. He knew every single fear I had, humiliating moment I experienced, every feeling of anxiety or joy I felt, every detail of an ordinary day. Being able to share your whole self, especially the dark parts, and still feel loved and accepted is the most intimate gift you can give and receive. When this wasn’t reciprocated, I was left feeling like the “sick,” one and eternally indebted to him for accepting me, truly believing no one else could. Jay was like a shell to me that was missing the hermit crab - I knew that hermit crab had to be camouflaged out there somewhere but I could never find him. On the surface there were times where we enjoyed each other’s company and he gave me “just enough,” to silence my doubts, but it didn’t make up for the pain of the underlying lack of respect; a term I can only now in retrospect find words to describe. I wish I could say I was brave enough to leave “just because” I wasn’t happy, but over the course of the marriage I lost the ability to trust my judgment.

Until I did again...

On my 35th birthday the universe gave me the most incredible gift that will forever give me chills. I was on a business trip - I didn’t travel often, and never alone, so I rarely had this opportunity to step away and look at my life with distance. Over the course of that week I watched this dormant part of me begin to emerge; it was my old spirit and spark; a girl with curiosity and wonder about life, who talked to strangers because she found people that interesting. My smile was bright, genuine and glowing.  I didn’t have the underlying anxiety and depression that I now realize was created by an environment that invalidated my experience leaving me confused, dismissed and doubting my instincts. On the plane ride home I cried to a stranger next to me and journaled about feeling stuck and wanting to run away from my life but having no idea how.

Serendipitously, I came home and stumbled upon a truth that unraveled everything, and JUST like that, my wish came true. I don't share the details because it's not my story to tell- My experience is the story I tell. It hit me that all of these years that I allowed myself to be undermined, I was actually right - there was a disconnect. Once I realized that, I felt a sense of power and self-confidence restored, and for the first time in my life I trusted myself and knew I couldn't live like this anymore. I was done trying to be the one to work on things, done with therapy, and walked away knowing I tried with every ounce of my being to make it work. I acted on a quote hanging on my wall and became the “hero of my own story;” something I never thought I would have the courage to do.

I kept what I knew to myself while I planned the most strategic way to leave while protecting my marital rights because frankly I was terrified. I left two days later taking only my necessities and leaving a note and my house key on the table. I didn't want to take anything from our marital home, possessions meant nothing, I just wanted my life back. Two months and two days later, we were divorced. 

Just as weddings are marked with that special dress, I searched for the perfect Divorce Dress. I ended up choosing a Leopard Print Miniskirt with specks of glitter in the fabric. That skirt was a symbol of change in and of itself. I wasn't the scared little girl who wanted to be invisible anymore.I had professional photographs taken of me holding a handmade, "Just Divorced," sign in front of the courthouse, a small Divorce party and Divorce Shower at work. I wanted to memorialize this day of freedom that signified the strength I now feel after standing through pain and fear without returning to an empty, yet "comfortable," life. 

It’s not a linear path and I’ve learned that opposing emotions can all exist at once. There were moments of paralyzing sadness and I don’t know that I will ever be able to reconcile how someone who I once thought was my closest companion becomes a stranger.  During those times I reread the tear smeared words in my journal that spoke my truth and remember the precious gift the universe gave me; a chance at a new “Happily Ever After.”

So this is why I celebrated my Divorce. I celebrate my ability to sit peacefully beside the unknown. I celebrate the chance to build an authentic life and share it with someone who genuinely wants to share their life with me and grow together. I celebrate the new path that lies ahead of me and the wisdom I acquired to make better choices along the way. I celebrate the hobbies, interests and friends I have made and the life I have built for myself and the happiness and confidence I feel again. These are the things that Fairy Tales are made of.

Work Shower

With the "Divorce Support Crew"